Trigger Warning: Violence and sexual assault
I struggled with this story and if I should write it or not. I thought about the consequences of posting this story and I thought about the man in the story and if people would figure out who he was if I said too much. The worst feeling was the thought that someone somewhere reading this might think that I’m weak, or stupid, or naïve, or that I provoked him. I hate that those were my thoughts. After the death of Sarah Everard in the UK, I read a statistic (apologies for not remembering the source) that 97% of women have been sexually assaulted. Even if that statistic was exaggerated or inflated, if even 1% of women have had those experiences, it is too high.
As with most of my dating adventures, I matched with “Trusted Member of the Community” who we will call “TMC”, on a dating app. Handsome, great job, muscles, check check check! Normally I like to talk for a bit before meeting, but he was really keen to meet after just a day, and I am a huge fan of a man in uniform so I thought why not?! He lives in a city about half an hour away and he agreed to meet me somewhere close to my place. I NEVER give my address or even describe my building to strangers, just the general area. We met at a local chain restaurant for a drink. I did my usual safety checks, my friend knew where I was, who I was with (although I had very little information about him) and a designated check in time.
We sat down in a booth and he ordered a double vodka soda and I ordered a mixed cocktail from the menu. His was gone before I had a chance to stir mine. The server came over and asked if we wanted to order anything else and he got himself another. The conversation was usual first date conversation, I found out a bit about his family and a lot about his job. The server came by again and he ordered another double and this time ordered another round for me. I declined but he insisted. The server that night was a hero. What she brought me was not the same cocktail, it looked like it, but it tasted like soda water with a bit of slush on top, non-alcoholic. Again, before I had a chance to even start my drink he had finished and was looking for the server for another. At this point the conversation started changing. He asked if we were going to get another round or head back to my place. I said that I was not interested in sleeping with someone on a first date, that really is not my style. TMC then tried to convince me that he was a “trusted member of the community” and he was completely trustworthy. He could even show me the badge, he had it in the car. I still declined and his next attempt at convincing me involved telling me how hard I made him, grabbing my foot from under the table, sticking it between his legs and thrusting into it. I yanked my foot back and tucked them both under the booth as far as I could. I decided that it was time to leave and asked the server for the bill. I insisted on paying for my drinks but when he saw that I was only charged for one he got incredibly upset. He whisper yelled at me that I shouldn’t have invited him to drive all that way, suggested a drink, allowed him to get drunk and then wouldn’t offer him a place to stay. At this point TMC had had four strong drinks and I will be honest, there is no way I was going to let a drunk man that was a foot taller and built like a bodybuilder, anywhere near my apartment. We walked out of the restaurant and got out of the doorway and he grabbed me. He grabbed both of my upper arms with such force that I could feel each finger digging into me. In the quick movement I put my arms up and ended up with my arms pinned to my chest. He then slammed his face into mine. I would normally call this a “kiss”, but it was violent and angry, and I don’t think that word applies. His lips hit mine so hard that he split my lip in two places. I squirmed and squealed and tried to get away, but he had such a grip on me. Thankfully someone was walking their dog, I don’t remember the person at all but the dog was little and puffy. They asked if we were alright and that was enough of a distraction that he let go enough for me to pop out and I started running. I ran in the opposite direction of my home because I had no idea if he was following me or not. I hid behind a dumpster in a building near mine and called my friend hysterical. I waited and he had not followed me. I got a text from him and immediately blocked and deleted it.
I got home and had blood all over my mouth and chin, and I had bruises on my arms from each of his fingers. I went back to the restaurant a few days later and told the manager that that server saved me and I wanted to thank her. I also wish I could thank the pedestrian that walked by. I reported TMC on the app and I have only seen him pop up once since and I reported him again. I have also told my friends about him and suggested that they at least left swipe if they see him, if not report. Some of you may be asking why I never reported him to the police or to his employer and I do not have a completely straight answer. It is a mix of embarrassment that I “let” this happen to me, the fear that his word would be stronger than mine, and that maybe I was too smiley or too chatty on the app in the day leading up to meeting him that gave him the wrong idea. Even writing this, I am uncomfortable and nervous.
The experience kept me off the apps for a period. I am actively dating, and I am still on the apps and meeting people. I know that there are great men out there, but I also know that there are not great ones too. I have always been careful; I am a small female and I know that I can be overpowered easily so I try my hardest to avoid situations that put me at risk. I follow my safety rules on each and every date. I also insist on talking to someone long enough to get a sense of them before meeting. If a man has an issue with chatting for a few extra days, having my check in with a friend halfway through the date, or someone knowing where I am and who I’m with, they are not the right one for me.
I do not have a beer recommendation for this one due to the content but will be posting a beer heavy story next!